


Loosing colors

by TaleNeverTold



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: And the rest of them too but in small bits, Gen, because i'm evil and i want to see Jace in pain, i want him to go back home already!, something to recover from when he goes back home, this is just one of those random haedcanon things i needed to went out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 00:19:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6589129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleNeverTold/pseuds/TaleNeverTold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short snippet of Jace's time on the ship and reflections of his actions back at home</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loosing colors

Jace followed the steps of a tall gloomy "breed"... Leon? Was it his name? They all looked the same to him - the "breeds", survivors of his father's cruel experiment to create "the new breed of Shadowhunters". They were new all right... but they were NOT Shadowhunters!  
This one, Leon, was Jace's "security detail", as Valentine named it. In reality - in his harsh, dysfunctional, crazy reality made of nightmares and dumbness and seasickness – Leon was his guard. He and two more "breeds" were assigned to Jace to make sure that he wouldn't do anything "irrational" or "weak".  
Jace followed him into a captain's cabin where Valentine and a number of Circle members were discussing something in angered voices. It took them a moment to notice Jace in the room and when they did one of Valentine's henchmen - Jace really needed to try and remember their names one day - grabed Jace by his T-shirt and asked harshly "What do you know about Magnus Bane?"  
This question jabbed him in the gut... Someone once asked him this same question - in another room, another time, another life... For that someone Jace would do anything, anything at all... but it was all gone now. And that someone, and that life where Jace has had a freedom to do anything... Only question remained, dark hollow reminder of a dream.  
The henchmen hollered "Do you hear me, boy?".  
Jace hissed through his teeth "I'd suggest you to remove you hand from my body - that is if you want to keep it".  
There was no threatening tone to this statement, no death glare, no nothing. Jace said it as blankly as he ever spoke around these people. But it was not his words that scared them. Not his epic lethal abilities that were so evident in their fights with demons they'd came across. It was his abandon, Jace throwing himself in the eye of every battle like he couldn't care less if he'd die... or as if he'd welcomed death. THAT made him the most dangerous of them all, maybe, even more dangerous than Valentine himself.  
The henchman backed away and Jace looked behind him at his father - Valentine's smile was smug, almost... proud? Was he proud that Jace scared his subjugates? THAT was the point?  
"Jonathan, the issue remains – what can you tell us about Magnus Bane?"  
Suspicion and fear crept in cold spades through Jace's heart. Magnus meant Alec. Alec meant family. Family... his family...  
He started carefully with trivial facts "He's a high warlock of Brooklyn, owns the Pandemonium club, consults for New York Institute and is generally regarded among the most powerful living warlocks. Why?".  
Valentine waved it off as if it wasn't important "Nothing, really, he's just being difficult, that's all. I'm sure we'll be able to handle him. Everybody has their weak spot, am I right?" and he looked at Jace with challenge. That was Jace's cue to say something they didn't know about Magnus, something that will prove that he, Jace, was a valuable part of this "new order team" and had a right to be by Valentine's side.  
If he could, Jace would pale. But these past few months exhausted him enough that his face lost all its colors so he couldn't pale anymore. The irony...  
But... this question. Magnus's weakness. That he knew of. People. Magnus cared for so many people. His warlock friends Jace helped save once. Izzy with their little scientific banters and know-it-all exchanges that nobody but them understood.  
Clary... Jace's mind stumbled at this name and his heart sped up as if it could run towards her on its own... to envelope her inside, to hide her from that menace Jace was a part of now... Clary... no matter how dark it was, how lonely and how unworthy Jace has felt himself now... memory of her always brought some light to his soul. As if she was a witchlight, his own personal spark of good in the midst of evil... His Clary...  
And then there was Alec. Of all the people Jace knew Alec would be the closest to Magnus. Not that Jace could pinpoint the moment or the nuances or the evidences of his opinion of them together, but somehow he just KNEW that Alec and Magnus were TOGETHER and it was RIGHT for both of them. Jace just knew. He remembered the wave of relief and joy and surprise that engulfed him when Alec kissed Magnus. And Jace always knew that those emotions weren't his. No, his were the emotions of being proud and happy. But that mixture of expectations and hopes and dreams - that emanated from his parabatai. Alec. And by the looks of it Magnus felt the same about Alec... maybe even deeper.  
And that made Alec into number one Magnus's weakness. For Valentine to exploit and press on and corrupt. And Jace wouldn't let him. Not in his life.  
"Father, - this one single word felt like self-harm to Jace's whole being but at the same time he knew he'd deserved nothing more, - I'm sure High Warlock of Brooklyn has few things up his sleeve and if he manages to cause you problems as is, I'd doubt you want to cross his weaknesses. It's just not smart to antagonize somebody so powerful, don't you agree?"  
Valentine's upper lip quivered as he was about to growl at Jace and show his fangs but his reply was interrupted by another man in the room "It's not just that demon abomination! He has this whole clique of downscums, complete with vampires and werewolves! I'm telling you, Valentine, he's rounding up an army and those weaklings in New York Institute are helping him! That pervert and that redhead is always somewhere around him, and they are not fighting him, they are fighting ALONGSIDE him! We can't have it!"  
Jace's heart did a somersault as he heard it. Those spiteful words brought him so much peace he felt like he could hug the guy! Because... they were ok. His family was ok. Fighting, naturally, but as one unit, together. They had each other, they had Magnus and Luke and Simon with them... Sure, nobody said anything about Izzy but Jace was sure she'd been around there somewhere too, whipping her way through "breeds" like nobody's business...  
But they were ok. His brother, so disgustingly referred to as "pervert", was ok. But that Jace knew of. His connection to Alec grew stronger over these past few months even though Valentine said it should fade away with time and distance. Jace didn't want to disagree and took secret joy on feeling connected to his parabatai, his last link to the family he had to leave.  
And the "redhead". Jace knew only one person who could fit this description. The person who filled his entire being when he'd let the memories of pure and unfamiliar feeling to take him over. He knew it was wrong. Felling like this towards Clary was his biggest confirmation that he, Jace, was corrupted and broken and twisted, that he was Valentine's son indeed. But sometimes... sometimes he'd still let it. He'd lay in his bunk, watching the ceiling and not seeing it. He'd see her flaming curls and remember how soft they were... and he'd see her easy smile and remember how generous she was to be happy for every little victory around her, every little joy their hectic lives brought... She was an angel.  
And loving her was wrong, and he knew it. But this feeling was the single most pure and perfect thing he has ever felt in his life. His anchor. His guiding light. His reason to keep fighting even though he knew he'd have to fight the feeling itself when he gets back home. IF he gets back home.  
But for now... for now knowing they were ok – and causing Valentine more trouble – was enough for him to take it one more day. And then one more. As long as they kept fighting, he would too. He owed them this much. And much more.  
Jace nodded to Valentine and said "I guess, you'd better focus on something other than New York - they do have an advantage there. It's a family thing."  
Jace knew better than trigger a psychotic murderer but he couldn't help himself this time - the temptation to stick it to his father was too big. Valentine took the bait and retorted with snarl "Wait till we get Clarissa! Then WE will have "a family thing"!"  
Jace shrugged trying to look unimpressed while his insides were boiling on the prospect of Valentine getting his hands on Clary... "I dunno why you keep chasing this angle? What's your endgame here? Why do we even need her? What's so special about that girl? Till few months ago she was just a mundane - no training, no special powers, no nothing! Why bother?!"  
Valentine opened his mouth to say something and halted. It wasn't the first time when Jace felt like his father was hiding something. Sometimes his gaze would get distant and calculating when he was watching Jace fight in the training room... or when he'd come asking Jace those weird questions if Clary felt "special" in any way. But when Jace asked what was it about, Valentine would always shut the conversation and leave.  
This time was no different. Valentine nodded and with short "Nothing. You may go." dismissed Jace from the meeting. Jace's "guard" stood in front of him silently guiding him out of the cabin into the cold corridor. Jace didn't fight this direction, he was too tired and craved some solitude to think about what he'd learned.  
…  
When alone in his bunk, Jace traced his fingers over his parabatai rune, feeling how it prickled coming alive. It always amazed Jace how parabatai rune was the only rune to be activated by his touch and not by his stele. But then again, it was a very special rune - his bond to Alec, half of his soul.  
Jace thought to himself how it felt for Alec on the other side of this connection. Did he know Jace missed him? Did he feel him longing to come back or did he believe Jace had joined Valentine for real? Did Alec felt his pain?  
Yes! Yes, he did! As did Jace.  
Four times Alec got badly injured - Jace felt it. He had to cover his phantom pains from his guards so Valentine wouldn't know that this bond haven't faded away... but he certainly felt it.  
Few times Alec felt hope and joy and... hm... Alec? Seriously? At times like this? I'm trying to win a war here, I don't have time for your hormones, man!  
And all those times Alec called for him - Jace has heard him. It wasn't parabatai tracking - Alec wouldn't risk their lives and their bond like this any more... and Alec knew Jace was on a boat so no point in actual tracking... But it was something more... intimate. As if Alec reached out with his half of the soul to check on Jace. It felt like a pat on the back, kind of soft embrace. "Are you ok, brother? Hang in there, Jace, we're coming for you!".  
And Jace didn't know how to respond. He wanted to go home SO BADLY. But he wasn't sure his life was worth saving. Definitely not by endangering the lives of his family.  
So with all he had Jace would answer that silent call "Yeah, man, been better. Don't come. Be safe."  
What he didn't answer was "I'm gonna make it right. I'm gonna do what I should've done before. I will kill Valentine. Or die trying."  
And now... with news of Alec, Magnus, Clary, the rest of them... they kept fighting, crossing path with Valentine's "breeds" – all in futile attempt to get close to Jace, he was sure of it. It meant he had to speed things up. It meant he had to do his bit and resolve it. One way or another.  
Today then...  
And with the last touch of his parabatai rune he willed an emotion to travel through space and time and reach Alec...  
"Be safe. Be happy. Protect her. I love you all."  
…  
Alec woke in the middle of the night screaming in agony, his sheets torn to pieces... He jumped off his bad and ran towards his door and when he swung it open Izzy and Clary already stood there, looking rushed and alerted. They must've heard him scream.  
"Big brother, what is it? What's happening?" Izzy's eyes searched the room, Clary was crouching behind her with her seraph blade downed, ready to pounce once the danger is located.  
Alec shook his head and darted back to his bedside table. He pressed a number on his speed dial and waited for Magnus's voice to respond sleepily "What is it, love? Do you need my help?".  
Somehow Magnus knew that Alec wouldn't wake him in the middle of the night after the most gruesome hunt of the week unless he really needed him. And even though sometimes he reprimanded Shadowhunters for relying on their "residential warlock" too much, this was not the moment for it.  
Alec nodded both to Magnus and Izzy to listen "Magnus, I need you here. Jace is about to do something REALLY stupid. And with the way he FEELS right now we can't let him. We need to find him TODAY. I NEED him to be back and safe. Come now!"  
It took fifteen minutes and three different portals (one for Magnus, one for Simon – still half asleep and in his Star Wars pajamas, one for Luke – fully clothed and ready for battle) for all of them to come together in the Institute's command room. Nobody made any attempt on chit-chat, and Clary went directly to the business "Ok, we haven't made much progress in the past FOUR months! But we HAVE TO find him TODAY!" Alec nodded in conviction – he just felt that it would be IMPERVIOUS to his SURVIVAL to find his parabatai today.  
Everybody understood the importance of the matter. But understanding does not mean knowing. HOW to find him?  
Until an unexpected voice chimed in "I think, I have an idea."  
Clary's eyes widened "Mom?"

**Author's Note:**

> P.S. It's not like I honestly was planning for the whole escape story, my headcanon was just about Jace on that ship... The last part in the institute was to show "the gang" reacting to Jace's goodbye "note".  
> I really need him to be back with his family soon, ok?


End file.
